I think the refresh rate is 30 minutes. Perhaps use the Thunderbird address book, or even the icloud one via carddav. Fundamentally I think the apple address book is just not really a starter with apple limiting it to read only.

Using the iCloud address book with CardDAV seems to be exactly what I was looking for.

I found detailed setup instructions at: https://danielbrinneman.com/2022/12/12/sync-icloud-contacts-with-mozilla-thunderbird/

And after setting this up I could set the default refresh rate to various values, however if you just click on the three horizontal dots next to the name of the address book, you can just select "Synchronize".

It does not seem to support "Lists" (i.e. groups), however I rarely use them and even when I do it's rarely a new or updated List.

Thank you!